I have a dear friend who said this to me the other day in a late night conversation. We were talking about the most random topics, and my friend said, can I compliment you, while possibly slighting (mutual friend). I said sure, because of course we both know that we care for our friend, so it wasn’t like it would be a dis and even if she was there in the conversation, it wouldn’t have been uncomfortable. And my friend said - I think you look better than her, I mean she’s pretty, but there’s something about you. My friend proceeded to say that I come off more stylish and concerned about my appearance than our friend. This caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting it and just kind of sat there.
I don’t think I’m pretty, I like to think I try (most of the time) to look well put together, but I certainly wouldn't call myself stylish or trendy. In fact, I pretty much go as far from trendy as possible because in plus size, it’s hard to go trendy without looking like you’re in denial that you’re a plus size.
So two days before this conversation, I was with another friend and he said to me, ‘you don’t have self-esteem issues, do you?’ and I laughed, I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t, and said he never got the impression that I just didn’t care, and was happy with who I was. I suppose after coveringup the self-esteem issues for so long, has made me a master at it.
So now - (yes, there’s always a point), I’ve wondered, exactly where do I stand, when it comes to how I feel about myself or how I feel about the way I look.
If you look in my closet, you’d see split personalities. On the one side I have clothes that scream “this lady could care less, because my grandma wouldn’t even wear that”, and then the other side softly whispers, “I’m trying, bear with me”. Straight forward you would look at my shoes and think to yourself, “what was she thinking? these are old lady shoes”. And on your way out you’d pass my makeup and think, “Ok, she’s compensating for the old lady shoes” (hello - I sell mary kay, so I have QUITE a collection, it looks like I try!) and then you’d see my jewelery and see how I attempt to tie everything together. For some reason, I’m torn as to where I belong. I’m not a trendy, gotta have it type of gal. I am however concerned with keeping up my appearance for work, because the students notice everything, and for myself. Does that stop me from going to Target in sweatpants? Absolutely not. And it never fails that I’ll run into at least one student while I’m there. What can I say, it happens.
But I do try with my clothes and appearance, at least a little.
So why am I still fat? Being fat isn’t part of looking well groomed or well-taken care of. Good question, and I wish I had an answer. I have the desire to lose the weight, but my motivation isn’t there. . . Maybe I have gotten comfortable. Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m a mix of everything.
I’m not mentally comfortable saying I accept myself, but I think my actions have said it for me. Does allowing myself to be overweight mean I’ve accepted it, even if I’m mentally screaming NO NO NO?
This is something I struggle with regularly, so I wanted to take a second to see if it hit home with anyone else out there? Do you find yourself over analyzing compliments?
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